Week 3: Bills & Browns Win, Hell Freezes Over

The Commissioner has a busy week at work, so I was given the opportunity to provide a guest recap of the weekend’s matchups. I hope I don’t disappoint, but you’re stuck with me either way. Get ready for a fun-fact-filled review!

Week 3 Recap

Ky’s Beta Cucks vs. Mr. Coin

Starting out with my favorite matchup of the week. Ryan’s team of almost all sleepers woke up for a well-rounded performance against a tough Coin team. The Coin flipped wrong on a few players who had big days, such as the wild performance out of Atlanta’s new hot target WR (watch out, Julio). Ryan’s round one grad school apps are all in, so now he has lots of time to devote to fantasy football. If his team stays awake, he may be a force to reckon with. The Coin may need a new QB (just go out of bounds next time!), but its strong team should be able to carry it regardless of who it picks up.

Fear Boners vs. Dr. Glenn Talks Dirty to his Wife

Dan was his own worst enemy this week. If he had followed his normal draft strategy and gone all risky Bills picks, he might’ve pulled out a win. Also, if he had noticed that Dalvin Cook was ruled out for the week on Friday. The latter was the big difference maker in this matchup. Chris is also fortunate this isn’t an IDP league. We all know he would pick Clay Matthews with his first overall pick (or second, after Rodgers) and he would’ve been seriously boned by these absurd “QB protection” rules. Bunch of nonsense.

Sanford and Son Backup Kickers vs. Do Not Diddle Kids

Steve had an uncharacteristically poor performance, much like his quarterback did against a fearsome Bills team. (Seriously though – who saw that coming? Maybe they should have more players retire at halftime to give them some motivation.) Roger suffered from TB12’s comparably-bad week in Detroit, but this wasn’t really a factor since his team is about as deep as the kiddie pool around the corner from his house that he’s not allowed within 100 feet of. So he was unable to take advantage of the opportunity Steve presented.

Cuban Missile Crisis vs. McCarrick Molested Me

Both Alex and Doug decided to make other countries great again this week, but only one of them succeeded. Clearly Europe gave a greater performance – perhaps that’s an omen of the games set to take place in Mexico City this season. There was strong QB play on both sides, but Adrian Peterson (?) is the biggest difference maker here. Bold move by Doug pays off.

Wuerly touched My Willy vs. Troubled in Paradise

Frank had a strong performance from Christian McCaffrey, but that’s about all his team did this week. Incredibly, Connor had a more-mediocre week than Frank. He held out hope that Fitzmagic would put up the 36 points needed to make the week interesting, but miracles that big are hard to come by. Also working against Connor is the whole Le’Veon Bell situation: what are the current odds of him signing before the November deadline?
Side note: I like Frank’s name this week. I get that it’s a dig at Connor and Molly, but remember when we went to that restaurant at the Lake of the Ozarks called “Paradise” and my dad was giving me shit because you guys got him to say I was cheap? Yeah, and then Chris failed to get some phone numbers from the dock girls. Classic.

Nike Kneepads vs. Big Rich Swinginn

This was a barnburner, folks. And Mike Evans made it real interesting there in the end. These two are clearly the teams to beat, but Brendan’s superior performance lifted him off of his knee(pad)s and to the top spot in the rankings. You beat the top dog (and you’re #2), you get the top spot. Even if it’s by 1 point.

Week 3 Rankings

1. Brendan
2. Rich
3. Steve
4. Dan
5. Frank
6. Alex
7. Chris
8. Matt
9. Doug
10. Ryan
11. Roger
12. Connor



And now for the fun rankings. Frank told me I could do my own thing this week, but since you all appreciate his format so much, I decided to stick to a top 12 list of my own:

Ryan’s Top 12 Favorite Jewish Athletes

Honorable Mentions: Mose “The Rabbi of Swat” Solomon & Barney “The Yiddish Curver” Pelty

These guys have some amazing nicknames. I couldn’t not put them in the list.

12. Mitchell Schwartz

Schwartz plays for the Kansas City Chiefs. He’s not great, but he’s reliable. With 96 consecutive starts under his belt, he’s good enough to make the list. L'chaim!

11. Jerry Seinfeld

Not classically considered to be an athlete, but this video may change your mind.

10. Julian Edelman

Edelman has brought me much fantasy success and failure over the years. 2-time Super Bowl Champion, New England Patriot, and he went to Kent State (hey Connor – say hi to Mo for me).

9. Mike “SuperJew” Epstein

Solid first baseman for a bunch of different teams with a WS championship under his belt. Also a nickname that you definitely could not have today.

8. Paul Newman

Famous for acting, famous for driving. If you don’t think Le Mans is sports, then I’d like to see you try it. Something about “The Sting” being a great movie.

7. Bill Goldberg

After his short-lived NFL career, Goldberg went on to be one of the biggest stars in the WWE/WCW of the late ‘90s to the mid ‘00s. I never watched wrestling growing up, but this guy clearly had a successful career.

6. Mark Spitz

Dr. Glenn: How do they fill the Olympic swimming pool?
8 year old Ryan: With a hose?
Dr. Glenn: No, son. Mark Spitz!
Great Olympic champion swimmer who set 7 world records with 7 gold medals in 7 events at the 1972 Munich games, only to be topped by Michael Phelps in Beijing. USA!

5. Abe “The Little Hebrew” Attell

What a career this guy had! This 5’ 4” boxer reigned for 6 years as World Featherweight Champion from 1906-1912. He was also charged in the Black Sox Scandal, alleged to have been the messenger between the White Sox players and gangster Arnold Rothstein to arrange financial backing to fix the series. Hmmm… makes you wonder how many of those world championships he won because somebody took a dive.

4. Sanford "Sandy" Koufax

One of the best pitchers to ever play the game. Plain and simple.

3. Aly Raisman

Rich would be livid if I didn’t include her in this list. She’s got 3 Olympic gold medals and few other colored medals too.

2. David “Bend it like Beckham” Beckham

One of the most recognizable athletes in the world. He refers to himself as “half Jewish” on his mother’s side. In the eternal words of The Lonely island and Akon, “still counts!”

1. O.J. Simpson

Not a Jew

Week 2, the doom and dispair begins

I had the misfortune of watching a few plays of the Cardinals Rams game this Sunday. The Cardinals did not have a play on the Rams side of the field until the last drive of the game. Now the Giants barely did any better but honestly I know that game was going to suck and Hell in a Cell was on so I didn't waste my time watching Manning check down to Barkley 14 times but as Jack said that is a hall of fame QB, he does not need an O-line. Through two weeks I think it safe to say Eli needs people to block. Now the Cardinals line also sucks but where the Giants line is like Rich trying to block in flag football the Cardinals are more like Ryan. (Just check it down to DJ 14 times Sammy sleeves and I will be happy) Speaking of Ryan sucking, and honesty I have no idea how he did this but his QB scored 38 points and he lost to Roger. If you get 38 from one player you should probably break 100. The other 8 players combined for only 50 points. Yikes. As is traditions, I lost my first two games for the 3rd year in a row. I can't seem to win divisional games, damn you Brendan and Rich. Start drafting worst. Speaking of Rich he was able to pull of another impressive win, more than doubling up Doug. At least Doug was on vacation and did not have to witness the massacre first hand. Alex moved to 2-0 taking a two game lead on Connor, who he defeated. So at best Connor can only split the season series with Alex, and we all know Alex and cares about beating Connor, unless he is the all-whites. Chris was victorious but Rodgers is saying his knee may be getting worse so that is not good. Dan moved to 2-0 which is good because he has a good team but not a good bench so he needs to pick up the wins before the bye weeks start.

Hmm, now for the important part of the recap the all important power rankings

 TV Game (Price is right is DQed because Lou and Emily were on it)

12.  Press your luck/ Whammy- No whammy, big money, no whammy stop! You used to be able to watch the pattern and make it so you never hit a whammy but some dummy wrote in to the show so they made it random and ruined it for the smart people everywhere.

11. Deal or no Deal- this show was entertaining for like two seasons, but I played it enough on the computer to determine what I wanted to eat, i have food indecision, could also put let's make a deal here, basically the same show.

10. 21- on the game show network with Carlton hosting, you get to laugh at people who do not understand basic counting and probability. 

9. Dog eat Dog- combination of trivia and wipeout type challenges made this a must watch in the summer days in high school.

8. Double Dare- One of my child hood favorites, trivia, physical feats and slime, pretty good combo.

7. Legends of the Hidden temple- where you a sliver monkey, blue barracuda or a temple guard. The temple always seemed to have new twist and was basically impossible to escape, those temple guards are always getting in the way, surprising no one ever took a swing at one.

6. Wheel of fortune- if you where curious I am almost positive the wheel is rigged. IF people are winning to much money it makes them hit the bankrupt. If the million is in play the bankrupt is going to hit, and they will extend the show to make it happen.

5. Who wants to be a millionaire- when it first came out this show was so exciting, the wait for the first person to win was intense and then when he called his parents to say he was going to win, now that is amazing, TV moment.

4.  The hollywood squares- I don;t know if I liked this show or if it was because the game in school for reviewing for test was more fun, we played once in my 6th grade social sciences class (history) and for the American Revolution chapter where the class split into 3 teams, half the class on one team, half on the other and me on my own, it may have been because I talked how I could beat the whole class on my own and the teacher tried to teach me a lesson. Obviously it did not work.

3. Guts- the game of our childhood, who didn't want a chance to conquer the agrocraig

2. Family feud- So who wants to play the family feud.

1. Jeopardy- Come on, who didn't see this one being near the top if not the top, no real surprise, here.

Full disclosure I did the list off the top of my head so I may have missed your favorite show, if I did let me know in the comments.

Alright I have a movie to catch so here is my power rankings for the league, commentary may be in the comments after the movie if i do not fall asleep

1. Rich
2 Brendan
3. Dan
4. Frank
5. Steve
6. Matt
7. Alex
8. Chris
9. Connor
10. Roger
11. Doug
12. Ryan

Remember next week Ryan is going to guest write the recap, hopefully for his first one every he has some creativity.

Power Rankings

Because Steve asked here they are

1. Rich- Really if he wasn't the top there would be a problem
2. Steve- After winning the championship last year he gets the number two spot
3. Frank- David Johnson and McCaffery still form the top backfield in the league, right now
4. Brendan- Same day Julio will catch a TD pass
5. Matt- Fitzgerald is never going to age, and Kamara and Mixon are both solid backs
6. Dan- Might be the most evenly talented team in the league. No top dogs but no bottom feeders either.
7. Alex- Hill is going to win him a couple weeks and if history is a guide he only needs a few wins to win a few, unless Doug does well
8. Doug- Like Alex he has the advantage of playing in the consistently worst division in the league so a week one win over connor is huge, might only need 5 more wins this year to make the playoffs
9. Chris- Adams, hurt, Rodgers hurt but probably not missing any weeks, Jimmy Grahmn still inconsistent
10. Connor- 51 will probably not be the low point this year
11. Ryan-  Fournette hamstrings will never be healthy, it is decided.
12. Roger- Thomas and Hunt would look great on this team.

Worst movies I saw with movie pass this summer

12. Uncle Drew- there were no flat earth jokes, but Chris Webber was funny in it
11. The first Purge- No plot just killing, guess that should have been expected
10. Teen Titans go to the movies- lots of jokes but the waffle jokes were bad
9. Tag- The story was good but there some really over the line jokes that just took me out of the movie
8. Fallen Kingdom- Didn't like the other Chris Pratt Jurassic world so no surprise i did not like this one
7.Tomb Raiders- fun action, but almost a couple of Indiana Jones and the last crusade
6. Pacific Rim- yeah this one was so obvious that i felt like a 5 year old wrote it.
5. Truth or Dare- take that back this was the most obvious and predictable plot of any movie and really stupid characters
4.  Dog Shows- talking dogs is the only thing keeping it this high, the rules of the movie changed three times, don't watch to find out.
3. Gringo- Still not sure what the point of this movie was
2. The meg- should have watched sharknado 6 instead, don't know how they made a giant shark boring
1. Sorry to bother you- obviously I didn't get the point but i didn't find it funny at all, just plain strange

There you go steve

Season back so so are my terrible reviews

The season is back boys and with that comes fantasy football. All of us are excited as each season has some potential. Everyone, except Roger has a chance to win it all, guess Roger could win it all if we all either died, or got really drunk and made terrible roster moves. Odds of the 11 of us doing that are slim though. The rest of us through should be excited for the season. 

As I said at the draft this is the season of celebration since the Eagles won the superbowl it's all about positive thoughts, except when the games on still acceptable to boo, it's more a Tuesday to Thursday afternoon feeling. 

Now to the week one results. For what seems like the 4th year in a row the number 1 scorer week 1 is playing against me. This year Rich took his team of Roger's draft picks and scored a league high 136 points. He would have won anyway because Stafford looked like a rookie qb against a team that knew all the plays they were going to run. Maybe they should change the hand signs more often than once ever three years! Oh, well that's what you get for drafting with your heart instead of your head, though my final fantasy goal is to win two championships in two leagues with Stafford as my QB.

Now Brendan was the hard luck loser this week scoring 108 points in his lose to Steve. Steve looked like he was in trouble until Barkley took one 61 yards to the house. As good as Barkley looked the Giants are still going to feel dumb watching Darnold playing for the Jets for the next 15 years. Brendan got a lot from his top 3 players but the bottom of the roster really disappointed, including the only guy in the Chiefs Chargers game that did not score a touchdown or fantasy point, in Travis Kelce.  

Dan took down Ryan with a total team effort. It probably helped that Ryan's QB scored a quarter of this points. Unfortunately for Ryan, the chiefs have to play teams that have CBs and safeties, not just two defensive ends.  Now Dan's team looks real solid now that he got rid of the dead weight that were the Browns. Hyde can be replaced by Ingram so we can forgive him that one. 

Alex defeated Chris, as he got a huge game out of Tyreek hill, unfortunately for Alex through his top pick did not play and who knows when he will suit up for Pittsburgh. So I was watching the Browns game at dinner with my family on the TV at the restaurant I was eating at. Now when the Browns kicker missed the kick in OT, I started laughing so hard my Mom, had to tell me to stop. It might have been the hardest I have ever laughed. But hey the Browns still didn't win a game, so Alex don't cry to much thinking about the game. 

Doug was the lucky Dog with his win over Connor. Connor scored 51 points , is he being punished by a higher power for his name, probably not but maybe, good thing Alex and Roger are getting in on the names as well. It's impressive that Doug Bench outscored Connor and his starting lineup. Connor's bench had 10 points total. Wahoo, a bunch of players that scored 0 points. 

Roger in no surprise lost. In a major surprise he scored 86 points. Lucky for him Bell is sitting out and because he had no other RBs he got a huge week from Conner. If Bell comes back we could see Roger back in the 60s and 70s like his normal season.

Now I think the penalty this year for the Raffle should be you have to act as the waiter at the draft and get drinks when people need them at next year's draft on top of buying a case of beer for AC. 

Normally i do my power rankings but Always Sunny is coming on soon and I don't think you read them anyway.

No time to proof read, Sorry.